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Mary Schmid, Business Coach

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Do You Say No When You Really Want to Say Yes?

July 2011

We all have at one point or another had thoughts racing around in our head pleasing others rather than addressing our own needs.  It sometime sounds like the “if I do tug of war”….  If I do this then will happen or… if I do that then that will happen.  And many times, it is easier just to go with what is expected rather than to think through!

Here are some beliefs about pleasing others:
If I say no they will not like me 
There is always room for someone else in need I can always adjust my schedule for others even if it means I don’t get my work done 
It is better to give than receive 
Others are more important than me 
I might seem too pushy if I say I want something 
I will just let others tell me what they need as that is easier

What are your beliefs about pleasing others?

Let’s talk about the importance of beliefs:
Beliefs come from everywhere:  parents, grandparents, teachers, religious leaders, cultural icons, and friends
Beliefs have a major influence on our happiness, success, and outcomes
Beliefs can serve us or not
We have decided at some point in time to believe our beliefs
And we can decide to change, replace, or discard these beliefs
We are the ones holding on to our beliefs and only we can decide to do something about them

How do we unplug from all the noise and chatter of these beliefs that limit our thinking? Let me share with you the simple, yet effective, ABC Method:

 

A= Awareness:
Become aware of what belief that is influencing you.

 

B= Believe:
Ask yourself what do you really believe about this statement?  Where does the influence come from?  Does this belief limit me or help me?  Do I want to keep it or do I want to discard it?

 

C= Choice:
What will you choose to change?  What will you commit to doing that is compelling and meaningful?  What action steps will you take you lead to your Brilliance…an innovative solution to the same old problems?

 

By examining my beliefs, about my need to please, I discovered how transformative it is so make thoughtful conscious choices about where, when, and how I help others. It is my belief that others receive from my overflow.  So when I have the ability to choose what I want to do, rather than giving from obligation, I become empowered to shape my own life.  And I give freely and lovingly.  It is really important for you to be honest with yourself about the beliefs that you have about saying yes or no.  At times it may be challenging and you may not want to acknowledge these engrained belief patterns.   If you don’t get honest with yourself, the same patterns will continue and you will say yes when you mean no and no when you mean yes!

If you enjoyed this article, please pass it onto anyone you think may benefit from it.